The Dream

I had a dream on Christmas morning that I will never forget.

In my dream I was in the back yard of my parent’s home pulling weeds.  It was a vibrant sunny day and I wore my big straw gardening hat to help shield my eyes from the bright sunlight, old jeans and sneakers with an oversize white tee shirt that originally belonged to my dad and an old pair of gardening gloves.   I was on my knees as I was pulling the weeds out of my mom’s Iris flowerbed, when I notice something very peculiar.  As I looked to my right side, just a few inches away from my right knee was a very large cocoon.  I quickly got off my knees and jumped back because I have never seen a cocoon so large in my life! At first I thought it was a piece of dead snakeskin but it wasn’t hollow, something was inside side it but I couldn’t make it out. As I stood up and bent over to give it a better look at it, I was ready to run in case anything came out that was going to sting me.  I noticed how ugly it looked; it had a  yellowish and almost a goopy green color to it.  It was about three to four inches long and it looked about a quarter of an inch in diameter.  “Ugh! What an ugly cocoon! I guess what ever was in it died.” I thought to myself so I walked over and got Penny old poop scooper to throw the cocoon in the green trashcan that we used for gardening.

I walked up to the cocoon ready to scoop it up, when it started to move!  I jump back and dropped Penny’s scooper ready to run away but keeping my eyes fixed on the huge cocoon.  The cocoon started to move and roll around and after a few seconds, I was able to make out an image of a Monarch Butterfly fighting it’s way out of the cocoon.  I stood there frozen as the huge wings of orange, white specks, black trim and yellow dots broke out of the cocoon.  Then the massive  black legs and body followed and after a few seconds of struggle it was free.

I stood in amazement of what I just witnessed as the Monarch Butterfly just started to circle around me with it’s massive wing span.  As it circled around me, the feelings of peace and love just consumed me.  I felt safe and secured that nothing was going to hurt me as this immense creature filled with such beauty and grace flew around me.  Then suddenly, the Monarch Butterfly hovered in front of my face as if it was saying goodbye and flew away.  I watch it fly away into the brilliant clear blue sky until it was no longer in my sight; then I woke up from the dream.

Everything seemed so quite and peaceful as I opened my eyes and realized that it was all a dream. 

This morning I felt the peace that I have long to feel since my sister's passing in October of this year.

I am grateful that my sister came to visit me in the wee of the morning in such a unique dream  just to reassure my mind and heart that she is fine; Mary wants to me to continue with life as she continues living our Lord in heaven. To be brave, strong and continue to love her as she continues to love us in heaven and even though she is out of  our sight, she will always be in our hearts and minds.  I love you Mamas!

Christmas Shopping

 Christmas shopping was always simple for my sister Mary Magdalene.  Every year she would buy each of us  $20 gift certificates from Target. 

     “Emils, can you do me a favor?” asked Mary. 
     “What is it Mamas?” I asked. 
     “I need to go to Target, can you take me?”
     “Sure, what do you need to get?” I asked.  I knew what she was going Christmas shopping because is was a week or two before Christmas; I just wanted to see if she was going to keep it was a surprise.
     "None of your business, can you take me or not?"                          
     ” Of course Mary, what time did you want to go?”,
     “In the morning,” she said. 
     “Okay Mamas, in the morning but what time in the morning? How about nine o’clock, is that okay?”

     ” Yeah, nine is fine.” Mary smiled and said,
     “And maybe we can go to the Ihop for breakfast, what do you think?”
     “OKAY!” as Mary’s face lit up with a huge smile.  Mary loved the Ihop because her favorite dish was the rooty tooty pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream.

So the next morning Mary and I went for one of the best breakfast experiences I ever had with my sister.  
      “I love rooty tooty Emils,” said Mary as her piping hot pancakes, strawberries topped with a huge mountain of whipped cream and hot chocolate was placed in front of my sister as we had our breakfast.  Mary was always a slow eater so I know she truly enjoyed her breakfast that morning.

After breakfast we headed to Target, even though we had just had breakfast, Mary was already feeling the fatigue  due to the MS but you would never see it in her face.  As she walked back to the car, she was already starting to walk with a little of a wobble as she pushed along with her walker.

As I parked at the Target parking lot, I got off and took Mary’s walker out and set it up for as I helped her out of my car. 
     “Stay here Emils, I’ll be right back.” Mary said.
     “Oh no Kiddo, I’m going with you.” I replied. 
     “No Emils, I’ll be okay, I can do it.  I know what I want to buy and I will be right back,” answered Mary. 

As Mary took the first couples steps and her legs started to wobble as she tried to keep her balance.           “Mary, I’m going with you! Your tired Mamas from the Ihop, I don’t want you to fall,” as I started guided her walker. 
     “No Emils, I can do it, I want it to be surprise.  Don’t worry, I’ll be okay,” answered Mary.  Her eyes reflected such determination and her face filled with certainty and strength that I let go of her walker. She then whispered, “I can do it.”
It killed me to let go of her walker as she slowly wobbled into Target by herself.  I was so scared of my sister falling and no one being around to help her; I was worried that she wouldn’t find anyone to assist her if she needed help.

It felt like hours, which were only minutes as Mary finally came out of Target and stood at the entrance of the store.  

I then got out of my car and went to her,
     “Oh Emils, I forgot where we parked.” Mary said.
     “That’s okay Mamas, did you get everything you needed?” I asked. 
     “Yep,” Mary answered.
     “You okay?” “Yep,” she answered. 
     “Ready to go home?”

     “Yep,” she answered. 
     “Did you need to do any more shopping Mamas?”
     “Nope,” she answered. 
     “Okay Mamas, let’s go home,” then Mary handed me a small red and white plastic bag and her purse.  I slowly guided Mary’s walker towards my car as Mary kept a tight grip of her walker as she slowly followed.  As I helped Mary into the car she said,
     “Thanks, Emils. Can we go home? I’m tired,”
      “Yes Mamas, let’s go home.”

It’s been over four years since Mary was able to go shopping and enjoy the Ihop. She will still be celebrating Christmas with us in heaven, I wonder if she got Jesus a $20 gift certificate from Target for His birthday/Christmas present?

Sleepy Time

Every night before my sister Mary Magdalene would go to sleep my mom and I would pray together with her.  One Our Father, one Hail Mary and the Guardian Angel prayer was our nightly prayer time with God and together as a family.

However sometimes my sister suffered from insomnia and at times she would only get two maybe three hours of sleep a night. 

Every night I would quietly check my sister to see if she was sleeping and from time to time she would be wide-awake. I would quietly tippy-toe into her room to her bed.  Mary would turn her head and look at me so helplessly because I know she was tired. So I would gently stroke her hair and whispered,       “Mamas, it’s sleepy time, it’s time to go to sleep.  You need your rest, can’t you sleep?”
“No,” Mary replied softly with a tear running down her face.

So I would keep tenderly stroking her head and gently say, ”Sleepy time, go to sleep, its sleepy time Mamas, try to get some rest.”   Mary would close her eyes and try to relax but a few seconds later her eyes would pop open and the tears would fall again.

Mary was prescribed some medication to help her sleep but at times it didn’t seem to take effect at all, no matter how often she took it.

So one night I was at my wit’s end with my sister’s insomnia, it was two in the morning and Mary was going over 24 hours without sleep. Mary looked so exhausted, she was staring to get dark rings under her eyes and it seemed that Mary wasn’t going to have the sleep she so desperately needed.   I sat by her bed and started to stroke her hair, over and over I would whisper, “Sleepy time Mamas, it’s sleepy time.,”  as Mary struggled to relax so I started softly sing,

“Sleepy time, close your eyes, time for mimis say good night;

sleepy time, sleepy time, my love;

sleepy time, say good night, time for sleeping, close your eyes;
 sleepy time, sleepy time, my love.”©

As I  softly sang to my sister the Sleepy Time Song, softly stroking my sister’s hair, she gently started to drift off to sleep.  I couldn’t believe it!  I sat quietly and watched my sister  sleep peacefully in her bed.  “Is that it? She just needed a lullaby?” I thought.  What a fool I was! Some thing so simple as a lullaby could help Mary relax and put her at ease to the point was she was able to go sleep. No drug could have done it; just love and compassion. So I tippy-toed out of my sister’s bedroom as she slept quietly.

After that when my sister had a difficult time sleeping, all I had to do was sing the Sleepy Time Song© and my sister would gently drift to sleep. 

I’ve only sung this song twice since my sister went back to heaven, once at her vigil and a month after her passing at the cemetery.  I love you Mamas, I miss you but know we will see each other again.

Something Simple

Sometimes you can find a hidden jewel in the midst of piles and piles of stuff. So my mom and I started the task of going through small white night stand that has two dresser drawers in my sister's bedroom.
 It was full of all kinds of items and medical paperwork that belonged to my sister Mary Magdalene.

 Some were medical papers were dated as far when Mary was first diagnosed with MS.  Paper trails of all the different companies of In Home Service for Mary; I am so grateful to each of them because they taught me so many valuable lessons in caring for my sister.

However, in the midst of paperwork was a hidden jewel that took both my mom and I by surprise.  We found a small bright yellow plastic box that had three stickers of multicolor fishes and two black and white penguins on the top lid.  In the box we found pictures of Mary’s Grad Night at San Gabriel High School, an old bus pass of my mom when she worked as a MTA bus driver. There were pictures of our family along with pictures of Mary’s friends from high school.  We found a CD case with artist like The Cars, Stone Temple Pilot, Alice In Chains, the Police and cassette of Bryan Adams Cut Like A Knife; she was such a fan of 80’s music.  

 To our surprise we found two certificates, one was of Mary’s First Holy Communion certificate (April 29, 1984), she was just eight years old at the time. 

I remember how lovely my sister looked when she made her First Holy Communion, all dressed in white with the exception of her little black paten shoes.  We went to go eat after the mass to celebrate such a memorable occasion and of course she received presents for the occasion.

Then I found a small beige envelope; it had her Confirmation certificate. I had completely forgot that I was Mary’s sponsor for confirmation until I read the index card with her confirmation name (Alexandria after St. Alexandria) and my name was filled in as the sponsor.  A picture of the Most Re. Carl A. Fisher, S.S.J.,D.D., Titular Bishop of Tlos Auxiliary Bishop of Los Angeles San Pedro Regional Bishop. Bishop Fisher confirmed my sister on May 5, 1993 and passed away from his battle of cancer in September of 1993.  I can visualize in heaven,  Bishop Fisher walking up to my sister and introducing himself saying,"Hi Mary! Do you remember me?" I could see my sister leeringly looking at him and saying "No." then he would reply, "I'm Bishop Fisher, the one who anointed you at your confirmation mass." I could see Mary's facial expression starting to think as she stares at him, then light up and scream, "OOOHH YEAH!" as she wraps her arms around  him. At that moment, both of them would be talking about the time of when my sister was confirmed at St Stephen's Catholic Church.

I remember during this time of my sister’s two-year confirmation program, the Confirmation Coordinator had invited a special guest come one night to introduce to the teens a positive roll model.  The guest just happened to be Oscar De La Hoya; he brought his gold medal he had won at the 1992 Olympics for boxing.  Mary got to meet him, hold his gold medal and give him a hug.  She was so happy when she came home that night. My family was watching television in the living room. My dad came into the house with Mary; she stood in the middle of the living room and was gleaming with excitement when she said, “You will never guess who I met tonight.” “Who did you meet?” We asked.  “It was OSCAR DE LA HOYA!” screamed Mary. We were all completely shocked as Mary started to waive his autograph she said, “He is so cute! He is so tall and BOY did he smell good!”  “Mary, you met Oscar De La Hoya? That’s great Mija!” said my mom.  Mary smiled then said, “Yeah Mom, I met him and he was so nice to everyone. He is a cutie patutie!”  We still have the autograph from Oscar De La Hoya and it's tucked away in Mary's grey plastic container along with other items that we just couldn't depart with because there are so many memories attached to them. At times when I look at the container, I feel as if I found a treasure chest filled with priceless memories.

Isn’t it extraordinary when you find something so simple that can spark such a domino effect of memories when you least expect it. 

New Year Eve 2009

The New Year is coming in a couple of weeks and I guess we will welcome it in without my sister Mary Magdalene.  However, even though we know that she will always be with us in spirit, it doesn’t ease the pain of loss.

On New Year Eve last year my dad did something that was so NOT my dad; he came home with a pack of party favors and a bottle of champagne to celebrate and welcome the up coming of the new year.  My mom and dad just usually make menudo and go to be before midnight. However, on New Year’s Eve of 2009, my dad wanted to make sure we were all up and welcomed in the New Year as a family.  As my dad placed the shopping bags on the dinning room table, he turned and seen that Mary was in the living room sitting quietly on her light blue lift chair watching television.
      “Are you ready to party Mary?” he asked.
      “Yeah dad, I am,” answered Mary. 
      “Good! Because we are going to party together!” my dad said with a smile.

Surprisingly, my sister Mary Magdalene was with us until midnight.  My parents, Mary and I all watched and waited for the Dick Clark Countdown, as we wore party hats, held horn makers and waited for the champagne as it was chilling in the refrigerator.  My sister Mary Magdalene sat on a beige lift chair and wore her purple Eeyore sweatshirt, light blue sockies and matching Eeyore pajama bottoms. Waiting patiently, we all did the counted down together
     “Five, four, three, two one….Happy New Year!!” we all shouted as we watched the ball fall and welcomed in 2010.

I popped the champagne and started to pour into the champagne glass, my dad kissed my mom as Mary tried with all her might to blow on her horn maker.
      “Blow harder Mija!” said my dad as he held Mary’s horn maker firmly to Mary’s mouth.  Mary wore a silver party hat that matched her horn maker to boot!
     “HHonkk!” went Mary’s horn and we all cheered,
     ”Yeah Mamas!  You did it!  Honk it again,” Mary took a deep breath and then,
     “hhHonkkk!” went Mary’s horn.
      “I’m tired of honking,” Mary said and we all cheered for her, it was a great way for all of us to bring in the New Year.  I popped the champagne and started to pour it into champagne glass; then my dad made the toast,
     ” I just want to thank everyone for staying up and celebrating as a family.  God willing we will all be together same time next year.  I love you all,” as his voice cracked with emotions.
      ” Happy New Year!”  we all cheered as we rose our glasses together for the toast.
      ” Ugh! This stuff is gross!” Mary sipped the champagne, made a sour face as we all smiled and laughed together.  I took her glass then I gave her the biggest hug and said, “Happy New Year Mamas, I love you so much. I’ll give you some juice instead of champagne.” “Thanks Emils,” answered Mary.

 I will always keep this memory in my heart and when I think about how we celebrated New Year’s 2009, it will always brings a smile on my face.  Just a note to my sister Mary Magdalene: “Happy New Years Mamas, I know heaven is timeless but you can still be with us when we welcome the New Year 2011. I love you and miss you much.” Love Emils

My Three F's

The purple stars are still hanging in Mary’s room.  Mary’s bulletin board, pictures and decorations still hang on the wall in Mary’s room. A white dresser with six drawers and mirror, DVD player and television stand and all of Mary's DVD collection are still in Mary’s bedroom. On Mary's dresser are picture of herself hugging Eeyore at Disneyland, three little Eeyore figures, along with family photos and M&M figures.  The hospital bed is gone along with all the hospital equipment.  No matter how we arrange things in Mary’s bedroom it will always seem empty. 

Even if we removed every single piece of memorandum of Mary from her bedroom, it will always be Mary’s bedroom. 

Sometime, I just sit quietly in Mary’s bedroom; I close my eyes and recall the good times we shared together. 

Before I start my morning prayers, I always invite my sister Mary Magdalene to pray with me.  During my reflection and meditation time of prayer I talk with Mary.   I may not get an answer from her but I know she is listening to me and that gives me peace. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are still times the title wave of grief comes and knock me down with no warning or mercy.  At times like these, the loss of Mary seems like only yesterday.

I never thought I would ever feel any kind of peace after losing my sister.  I guess time does eventually start to heal the wound of loss but is sure leaves a deep tender scare.  I feel that my wound is just starting the process of healing but like a deep cut; it’s going to take some time to get better.  My tunnel has been so dark since my Mamas has been gone even though I know she is in a better place.   It give me a calmness of repose to know that God has been constantly showering my family and I with His graces and through it all I believe these are the graces come to us, I call them my three “F’s”.   With the help of my three “F’s” I have now actually started to see a very small dim light at the end of my tunnel where I felt that there was no light at all. I truly believe that my three "Fs” have helped me up and kept me going forward.

Through the love and support of my Faith, Family and Friends, I have been slowly healing from my losing my sister.

I just want to say thank you to all my Family, Friends and my Faith in God for walking with my parents and I.

To my Faith, I just want to thank God for the thousands of hours in prayer I have spent crying while my sister was suffering, for the times I felt over helmed and thought I couldn't go on one more day, for the times I felt the helplessness and fear of not being able to ease my sister’s pain.  When Mary finally left us, only God's grace was able to fill the huge void in my heart.

Only time is going to heal my wound but I know God is with me every step of the way.

To my Family, I just want to thank your for the unconditional love we have received from everyone that has been such a solid beam of support.  Through tragedy comes blessings and we are grateful for the phone calls, prayers and visits that come to us help us heal.

To my Friends, I am so thankful for the many, many endless hours I have spent on the phone with you.   For waking you up at the late evenings and early mornings as I was going through my process of grief.  As I cried, laughed and at times rambled on, you have given me your love, patience,support, prayers and your  presences on the phone and just being there for my family and I.

 I know our lives will never be the same but we do know we a better person because of Mary Magdalene Rodriguez.  I know Mary’s intervention is continuously looking after my three “F’s” and for that I just want to say, “Thanks Mamas, we love you and miss you too.”

Mary's Closet

I remember talking to my mom about my sister Mary’s closet.  Since Mary Magdalene passed away on October 29^th of this year, her closet has not been touched.  Her clothes and shoes still in her closet, pajamas and blouses in her dresser drawers all remained untouched.  My mom and I would bring up the subject about going through Mary’s clothes and shoes to see what may donate to a non-profit organization but it seemed too painful and too soon.  Just now, I can honest feel that Mary is actually gone.  It hasn’t been easy going into her closet and seeing clothes and shoes that will never again be worn by Mary. Two years ago when Mary would have plasmapheresis procedure done at the hospital, she would be gone for about a month.  It took ten days for the plasmapheresis procedure to be done, and then she would have occupational and physical therapy till the end of the month.  She had plasmapheresis done quarterly so she would be gone four months out of the year. I kept thinking that Mary was at the hospital; however now, I finally realized that she isn’t. 

Once again the subject of Mary’s clothes came up in conversations with my mom and I.  “There are clothes hanging in Mary’s closet that can cloth someone who is in need of clothes, we need to donate Mary’s clothes to someone who has none. Maybe next year we can go through them, okay Mom?” “Well maybe next time when we get a donation bag left at our front door we can go through them,” answered my mom. “Okay, that’s sound good.” I said.  I was hoping that we wouldn’t receive a donation bag any time soon; I thought we would not be looking into donating Mary’s clothes until next year, I was wrong.

This past Monday a non-profit organization left a donation bag at our front door with a paper stating,  “Will pick up on Friday, please have bag out by 8:00 am.”  It was a non-profit organization for at-risk youth and families dealing with drug and alcohol abuse.  I picked it off our door and showed it to my mom and she said, “I guess we were going Mary’s clothes sooner than later.” I looked at my mom in dismay and said, “I guess so.”  My mom looked surprised at me and said,” Who is the one who was talking about clothing the naked and giving to those who have none,” “I know, I know, I just thought we wouldn’t get anything until next year, that all.” I said.  My mom puttered towards me with her walker and gave me a hug then said, “Mija, we need to do this, we need to be strong.  You know Mary wouldn’t mind if we gave her clothes to someone who has none.”  “I know, your right.  I just didn’t think  it would come so soon,” I said.  “I know but we talked about it and I think it’s time because here is a donation bag.  We haven’t gotten one in months so I think Mary is trying to tell us that it’s time,” answered my mom.

The next morning my mom and I started to go through Mary’s closet and dresser drawers in her bedroom.

 As I picked up each piece of clothing and I got a flash back of my sister Mary.   I closed my eyes and I could see in my mind Mary wearing each blouse I held in my hand.  I picked up her shoes and I remember taking her shopping for each pair.  I held a favorite blouse of my sister and plunged my face in it, it had Mary’s scent and I just started to cry as I buried my face in her blouse.  I looked up to find my mom doing the same.  “I know it’s hard but we need to do it Mija,” cried my mom as tears ran down her face.  “I know, but it isn’t easy,” I said.  “I never said it was going to be easy, I said it has to be done,” answered my mom. 

As we filled the several bags with shoes, blouses, t-shirts; each one had a memory attached to it.   We had a total of four full bags and they were picked up the very next day.  Mary’s clothes were doing  anyone any service just hanging in her closet.  After today, at least we know they will be hanging in someone else’s closet to clothed someone else.  Both my mom and I kept an item or two because of sentimental value and I know Mary would understand.

coffee

Before Multiple Sclerosis completely took control of my sister’s life, my sister Mary Magdalene would get up every morning and make a fresh pot of coffee.  What’s amusing about this was Mary didn’t like coffee.  She didn’t eat or drink anything that had caffeine in it but that didn’t stop her from making her usually pot of coffee every morning for us. 

While I would be getting ready for my day, I could open your bedroom door and the aroma of coffee would be filling the morning air; I could hear the gurgling of the coffee machine brewing and I love it.

My morning wasn't complete until I had a cup of Mary's freshly brewed coffee.  My sister would be in the living room watching television or playing the Wii with my mom when I would go into the kitchen for my morning coffee.

“Thanks Mary for making the coffee!” I said as I pulled out my travel mug and filled up for the morning. “Your welcome Emils” answered Mary from the living room.  My mom would already have her steamy cup of coffee by her side as she and Mary played bowling on the Wii in the living room.  Mary was our official automatic coffee maker and she wore this title proudly and with a smile.  I know Mary loved making the coffee because this was one way of Mary showing how much she cared about us.  A simple cup of hot coffee made by love is the best kind of coffee you can have and no coffee shop or café can beat it.  Mother Theresa once said, “Do small things with great love.”  My sister practiced this by simply making us a pot of coffee for us every morning.

Now that Mary has gone back to heaven, I sure miss the aroma and sounds of coffee being brewing every morning because I knew Mary was up for the day and made her famous pot of coffee for us.   My dad or I now usually make the morning coffee but it just not the same.  

Why is my name Mary Magdalene?

I remember one day my sister Mary Magdalene asked,       “Why did mom and dad name me Mary Magdalene?  Wasn’t she a prostitute?”  I chuckled and said, “No.  Mom and dad named you Mary Magdalene because she was the very first person to see Jesus after his resurrection from the dead. The twelve Apostles didn’t see him until later but Mary Magdalene seen him right after He left the tomb!'  Mary answered, “Truthfully?” I said, “Yep truthfully, Mamas, you have a beautiful name of a person who was the closest friend of Jesus and the first one to see him after he rose for the dead.” “Then why does everyone tell me she was a prostitute?” she asked. “It has never been proven in the bible that Mary Magdalene was actually a prostitute” I said. “Okay Emils,” Mary sighed. I knew Mary was not convinced with my answers because she questioned me again later on in the day.

“Then why can’t I find any picture, metal or statue of Mary Magdalene if she was so great?” asked Mary.

I was running out of answers and patients so I said,” Just remember at the beginning of every Easter Season, your name is mentioned every year.  The gospel always reads about how Mary Magdalene finds Jesus out of the tomb and she is so happy to see him, okay?" I said.  Mary sighed, gave a half smile and said, “Okay Emils,” I looked at my sister’s sad expression and told her, “Look Kiddo, I bet you I can find something on Mary Magdalene and when I do I will show you, okay?”  She lit up with a smile and said, ”Cool Emils! Thanks!”

 I was determined to find a medal, picture or book about Mary Magdalene.   I had the hardest time finding anything on St. Mary Magdalene.  I went to bookstores, Catholic stores but I couldn’t find at the time a medal or picture of St. Mary Magdalene.  So I called a close friend of mine and told him about my dilemma, he said, “Why don’t’ you wait and see if you find anything at the Los Angeles Catholic Archdiocese Congress.  I am sure you will find something for Mary there because there are hundreds of vendors selling all kinds of religious items.” “That is a GREAT idea!  Thanks!” I said as I hung up the phone.  On the Saturday of Congress, I went on my quest for my sister and I wasn’t coming home until I found anything on St Mary Magdalene.

It took several long hours of looking, asking and inquiring about St. Mary Magdalene with different vendors.  I almost lost hope until I passed by a vendor who sold tiles of Catholic Saints. All the saints where lined up in alphabetical order so I looked for the letter M and there I end up finding a beautiful tile of St Mary Magdalene.

She was so beautiful, she had long brown hair (just like my sister), big brown eyes (just like my sister), dressed in white and was holding a grey jar.  The jar represented the incense she used when Jesus was placed in the tomb.   I bought it and went straight home to give the tile to my sister, thanking God all the way home for helping me find such a beautiful tile of a wonderful woman.

I got home and asked my mom where was Mary, “She’s in her room, why?” asked my mom,“I have a surprise for her" I said as  I walked  down the small hallway to her bedroom.
 I knocked on her door, “Who is it?” said Mary.

“It’s me Emils and I have a surprise for you, can I come in?”

“Okay” answered Mary.  I walked in and Mary was laying down resting on her bed as she watched television.  I asked Mary to close her eyes and hold out your hands because I had a surprise to give her.  I helped Mary sit up on her bed and cautiously held out her hands and closed her eyes. “Surprise!” I yelled as I took the tile of St Mary Magdalene out of the bag and placed it in her hands. “Oh Wow Emils! You did it! You found Mary Magdalene!” yelled Mary. “Yes Mamas, I did!  I hope you like.” “I do, I do.  Thank you so much. I love it!” Mary said.

“Your welcome Mamas, now let’s see where you want to hang you tile so you can always see and remember who Mary Magdalene was and be proud that mom and dad gave you such a beautiful name, okay?” “Yeah, let’s hang it!” answered Mary.  She was smiling from ear to ear and was glad to have an image of who she was named after hanging in her bedroom. 

This is one of many, many loving memories I have of my sister Mary Magdalene Rodriguez.  Next year’s Easter Season will be a painful since my sister will not be with us, she always smiled when she heard her name mentioned in the gospel reading during the Easter Season. However, this coming Easter Season she will be smiling in heaven as her name is mentioned in the gospel reading of Jesus’s resurrection.   She will probably nudge St Mary Magdalene and say, “Look, they are talking about us!”

Over two thousands years ago Mary Magdalene was the first person to witness the resurrection of Jesus. Two thousand years later, my sister Mary Magdalene coming from twelve siblings is the first to meet our resurrected Jesus.

I miss you Mamas but I know you are okay, love you! 

No More

“No more Emils, no more.” Mary said as her eyes filled with tears.  I had just given her daily injection of steroids in her left arm.  To my surprise, the medication squirted out of that same left arm about two inches above of when I injected her medication.

As I looked in her eyes, I could just see how tired she was feeling; I knew she was tired of 15 daily pills, daily injections of steroids, hospitals, needles, IV’s, experimental procedures, doctor appointments and pain.

I cleaned off the medication that was running down her arm and said, “Okay Mamas, no more.”

I remember when we took Mary to the neurologist and were given two options to prolong Mary’s life.  One drug had a side effect of a brain infection and the other drug had a side effect of an enlarged heart and leukemia.  By this time Mary was very limited in communication and was permanently in a wheel chair.  Mary couldn't hold herself up so we had to keep her strapped in so she won’t fall off her wheel chair.

The neurologist was insisting that her life could be prolonged but did not guarantee the Mary’s life would be improved with either drug.  “It would just prolong her life,” said the doctor.  “Really? What kind of life would Mary have?  She can barely talk; she can’t walk; she having problems hold her food down among many other medical issues. Will any of these drugs improve her quality of life at all?” we asked. “No,” said the doctor. “If Mary is given the drug with side effect of a brain infection, how will the brain infection be diagnosed? She is barely able to speak to us now” asked my dad.  “We would need to conduct an MRI but then we need to consider the radiation she will be exposed to,” replied the doctor. 

A dead silence filled the doctor’s office as we ran out of questions and options to help us make a clear decision on Mary's future. 

As all three of us walked out of the doctor’s office and as I pushed Mary in her wheelchair, we already knew that we were not going to be returning back.

When we got home, we researched both drugs that were suggested by the neurologist.  Due to Mary’s failing health, we knew both drugs had very grave side effects for Mary so we sat as a family and asked Mary what did she think, she replied, “No more, I just want to be home.  Can I just be home?”

“Yes Mary, we will keep you home and as long we can, okay?”  Mary started to cry as did we coming to the decision of “No more,”

It’s so hard for my family to come to terms of the decision of “No more” but that is what Mary wanted so we needed to focus on quality of Mary’s life and to think of her and not ourselves.

Slowly, every day that passed we had seen that all the medications in the world were not going to Mary any better.

I remember sitting in my own doctor’s office because I ended up coming down with bronchitis.  My doctor asked how was my family and I told him what was happening with my sister Mary and just started crying and said, “I don’t know what to do? My mom and I talked about placing Mary in hospice but we are not sure.  We are so scared and it hurts so much.”

My doctor told me that if you are thinking about hospice then chances are you need their services.  He gave me a brochure and I took it home to show my parents.