The phone calls started to come from siblings,
"What are you guys going to do for Mary's anniversary?"
"Are you guys going to do anything for Mary?"
Every time some one would ask what we were going to do for Mary, the more anxiety seemed to fill my heart. I know the intentions were in good faith but it did not subside that pain still lingers in one's heart. I would look at my mom, try to smile then ask,
"Well, what are we going to do for Mary mom?"
"I don't know," as tears filled her sad eyes.
"Neither do I," I said as I wrapped my arms around her and just hold her until the tears stopped.
Death is a void that seems can never really be filled, the numbness is finally gone but the pain still lingers. I guess it will always linger, even though I know she is not suffering anymore, no more fears for Mary Magdalene because she's in heaven. No more round the clock morphine, no more feeding tubes, no more infections, changing diapers bed baths,visits from hospice staff, pressure sores and worries of feeling scared and helpless. I should be happy that my sister is in a better place but my heart still aches, I can't feel her familiar bear hug embrace, her smile are only captured in priceless pictures.
I get so angry and guilty at the same time, angry because she is gone, guilty because why would I want her here if she was just suffering. The scar of losing my sister may be healed on the outside of my heart but it's the inside of my heart is were the scar that is so tender is painful.
On the 29th of October 2011, my dad, mother, brother and I went to the cemetery for a prayer vigil and rosary for the intentions of Mary Magdalene Rodriguez. We left some whit e roses with little purple flowers, I sang to her the Sleepy Time Song that I used to sing to her when she couldn't sleep.
My mom got off her wheel chair and gently touch her plaque as tears ran down her face with trembling lips she said,
"I love you Mary, mom loves you very much. I miss you but I know I will see you one day," as she sat back down on her wheelchair, my dad looked up at Mary's plaque he said,
"Bye Mary, I'll see you later," as his voice cracked.
On November 2, 2011, is All Souls Day in the Catholic Church. Which happens to be Mary's birthday, she would have been 36 years old. We went to mass to pray for all who have passed away but my heart was only praying for my sister. After mass my dad, mom and I went to a bakery where Mary loved their birthday cakes. Later on that day we all sang Happy Birthday to Mary and as a family, we all blew out the candles that were lit on her cake. The cake just didn't taste the same with out having Mary there with us. I know she was with us in spirit and her memories in our hearts. However, we are still trying to come to grips with the reality of her being gone, I guess we will never get use to missing the one we love.