I'm okay Emils, I'm okay

"Jesus is peace, Jesus is love, Jesus is calling you home."  This is the prayer Mary Magdalene and I prayed on October 29, 2010 sometime between the hours of Midnight to 2:49 A.M.  At the final hour of my sister’s life here on earth, it got really scary.  Her fever was 103.7, her breathing was becoming very shallow and short, her skin was turning grey and she was so thin.  I took over watching my sister as my poor exhausted parents where torn between staying at their daughter’s side or try to get some kind of sleep.  Finally, after some reassurance, I encouraged them to get some sleep and if anything happened I would wake them up.  As they kissed her good night, my mom carefully picked up her hand and kissed it then said, “I love you so much Mija”.   My dad leaned over her bed and kissed her forehead then said, “Good night Baby; Daddy loves you.” and they both walked of their daughter’s bedroom.  Little did any of us know that it be the last time my parents would see their daughter alive. 

As I sat next to my sister’s hospital bed, I continuously kept applying cool compresses on her forehead, neck, chest and under both of her armpits.  The fever’s temperature never went away and I was getting very worried because usually with medication and cold compresses the fever would subside. 

I kept talking to my sister reassuring her that everything was going to be okay as I caressed her arm and changed her cool compresses.  "Should I or shouldn't I give her a suppository to help reduce her fever?" as I kept gently stroking her hair with hand.   I knew if I did move her, she would be in excruciating pain but maybe the medication just might help reduce her fever; I have never felt so helpless in my life. Seeing someone you love suffer and not being able to give any kind of relief from their suffering is just so torturous.   

I felt in my heart that this night was going to be the longest night of my life.  For the life of my I couldn't stabilize Mary and was going very wrong, very quickly.  I knew in my heart that Mary was losing her final battle with MS so I put a CD on and it played a song named ‘You Are Mine”.  This song always made my sister emotional because it reminder her about all the times she went with us to Sunday’s liturgy.  Then, I held her left hand, closed my eyes and said “Pray with me Mary, pray with me!”.

  I remembered the nurses telling us that the hearing was the last to go so keep talking to her.

“Jesus is peace, Jesus is love, Jesus is calling you home”, was the prayer we prayed that night.  As my eyes  stood closed and I  repeated this prayer and  encouraged Mary Magdalene to pray with me.  As I kept repeating the prayer, listening to the song that was being played on the CD player and holding my sister’s hand.  In my mind, I was pleading with God to kindly end my sister’s suffering by calling her back home to heaven.  I don’t remember how long I prayed that night but I do remember seeing an image of my sister face in my mind.  Her face was so beautiful, healthy and her dimples cratered in each side of her cheeks. 

Suddenly, I heard Mary say, "I’m okay Emils, I’m okay!”
    I jumped off the chair I was sitting on from shock because I haven't hear Mary's voice in weeks,  as I jumped I lost the grip of her hand.
      “What was that, who was that?” I said

 I opened my eyes and  slowly turned turned myself  to my sister's bed, there Mary laid completely still and lifeless.  I gently placed my hand on her chest, waiting to see if my hand would rise as my sister would inhale but she didn’t.  I kept looking at the clock, wondering when my sister would open her eyes, but she didn’t.  “Oh my God! Did Mary go home?  Oh my God, she did, Mary finally went  home. Thank you Jesus, thank you for ending my sister’s suffering, Thank you for giving her rest” as I raised my head and hands towards heaven.  

I sat back down and said, “My Mary is finally home thank you  Sweet Jesus.” 

It’s been so hard since she left on October 29, 2010 at 2:49 a.m. 

I stood with my sister body for a few minutes and slowly the grief started to creep up on me so I go up and walked to the kitchen to call my sister Irene in San Diego, it was about 3:00 A.M. in the morning when I called. As I dialed her number and I she answered I said,
"Hello? Irene?  It's me Emilia,"
"What's wrong Emilia?"
"Mary passed away, she passed away about 2:49 A.M. and I haven't told mom and dad yet, I haven't even called the hospice nurse.  I need you Irene, I need you to be here for mom, dad and me.  I don't know what is next but can you come over?"
"Of course I will, I will be there as soon as I can, I love Emilia and know Mary is no longer suffering but is at peace." said Irene.
"Yes, but please come! We need you," I pleaded as I hung up the phone and headed towards my parent's bedroom.
I knocked on the door and cautiously walking into their bedroom to find them both asleep.
"Mom, dad, wake up, I have something to tell you," I said as I stood at the foot of their bed,.
"What is it? What's wrong?" asked my mom,
"Mary passed away," I said as I started to feel a numbness completely over come me.
"Oh my God, my baby!!" whispered my mom.
"Irene, let's go say goodbye to our daughter," said dad as he help my mom out of bed and they both walked down the hallway to Mary's bedroom.
As we walked down the hallway, I knocked on my brother's Joseph bedroom to let him know that our sister passed away,
"Joseph, Mary passed away," I said
"Okay Em, I heard you tell mom and dad,"
As I walked away from Joseph's bedroom door, I could hear my mom sobbing coming from Mary's bedroom.  I walked back into the kitchen and called the hospice nurse and told them what had just happened,
"We are sorry for your loss Emilia, a nurse will be there to pronounce Mary's passing and call the mortuary for you, okay?" said the nurse on the phone.
"Okay, but can you please hurry?  It's hard enough as it is,"
"We will do our best and I know you will too," said the nurse as I hung up the phone and walked back into Mary's room.
I miss her so much but I know she is okay because she told me so.   It is such a relief to know that she is in heaven and she will still be in our hearts and mind until we meet again.
in the coming weeks I had no clue on what  be an experience of grief that we as a family would experience and will take a life tine to heal.

Tiny Bubbles

We have a hot tub sitting in our back yard patio that came with a house my parents bought several years ago.  Growing up in a large family, a swimming pool or hot tub were things we only seen on television or magazines.  In reality, the only hot tub we had was the actual bathtub; I guess you can consider it a hot tub depending on the temperature of the water that actually filled the tub.

Anyhow, one summer day the heat was pretty sweltering so my 34 year-old-sister, my younger brother and I decided to experience the hot tub outside that was located under the patio shade. Because of the nature of my sister’s illness, heat was the enemy.  Summer season and hot showers were a few things my sister could not longer experience since it would cause her to become very fatigued. The water of the hot tub wasn’t really hot so we knew it cool us off from the heat of the day. My 34-year-old sister suffered from MS but at the time the disease had not become too aggressive.   So with assistance, she was able to walk to the back yard and with the help of my brother and I, got into the hot tub.  She looked a little nervous at first as she floated to the edge of the tub, then she found a comfortable corner of the tub and started to relax.  I then proceeded to go in the tub and gave a piercing cry out when I felt the cool temperature of the water.

“The water feels good to me,” said my sister with a grin.  “It’s cold!” I replied. “I know, isn’t great!” she said.

My brother came out with a sugar free sodas for us and a camera.  “Cheers!” he said as my sister and I raised our soda cans for picture pose.  Once I got used to the water’s chilling temperature, I finally started to relax with the company of my sister in the hot tub.  “Isn’t this fun?” I asked my sister.   “Yeah, it feels so cool, I love it.” she replied.

As we sat in the hot tub I couldn’t help but notice all the bubbles as we sat in the tub and talked.  It seemed that the bubbles just surround my sister as she sat in the tub.  I knew the hot tub had jet streams but I was leery on how many bubbles were being created in the tub.  “I wonder where are all these bubbles coming from?” I asked my sister.  “I don’t know.” she replied.  As time past on and my sister became more comfortable in the hot tub, she started to move from one side of the tub to the other.  As my sister moved, a stream of bubbles would follow her and appeared only to settle around her. 

“ What’s up with these bubbles?” I mumbled to myself.  The bubbles started to fill the hot tub surface.  A gentle warm breeze blew as we sat in the hot tub and with it came a subtle hint of Tide that filled the air.

“How much detergent to you use when you wash your clothes?” I asked my sister.  “I don’t know”, she answered as she to move away from me to the opposite side of the hot tub. 

That is when I realized that the bubbles were not from the hot tub but were coming my sister's clothes; she must have used too much laundry detergent when she washed her clothes. 

“The bubbles are coming from you!  You must have used too much detergent when you washed your clothes,” I said.

“Okay! It’s me alright!” snapped my sister.  At that moment I realized that my questions about the bubbles made her feel embarrassed. I was just really trying to figure out where the bubbles were coming from and I had not intent of hurting her feelings. 

“I’m sorry Mamas, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.  I was just wondering where the bubbles were coming from.”

“Okay”, she said.

So on that day as we soak in the cool hot tub and drank our sodas, talked and laughed, we had a bonus of bubbles courtesy of my sister.  

Halloween

About twenty years ago, Halloween was always one of the most fun holidays in my family.  By August, I would already be planning how I would decorate the front yard of my parent’s home with the assistance of my brothers and sisters.  One Halloween night I had so many people lined up to receive candy in our neighborhood that a line formed as the LA County Sheriff’s patrol car would past slowly down our street.

Parents along with their children would get the life scared out of them every Halloween Year.  I remember any child under five that came to my parent’s home for candy would be spared unless their parents would ask for us to scare them and we did; a little girl in purple balloons was a bunch of grapes.  She had gotten so scared that she ran into the near by rose bushes and had half of her costume of balloons popped. 

One Halloween year, a teen decided throw a firecracker at my brother who was in costume to scare the trick-or-treaters.  Once that happened I decided not to decorate for Halloween night again. I couldn’t put my family in harms way due to someone else’s stupidity.  Parents came the following year and were greatly disappointed by saying” I can’t believe you didn’t decorate!  We look forward to your house every year.”  I apologized, told them what had happened the previous Halloween year and most of them understood why I made the decision.

This gave my younger sister an opportunity to give candy away with out scaring anyone.  My 34-year-old sister never really enjoyed scaring anyone and didn’t take any part of the Halloween years of the past in scaring trick-or-treaters.

My 34-year –old sister had two activities she would participate in every year for Halloween.  Our neighbor across the street would always have an annual Halloween party and my mom and sister would always attend.  My sister’s costumes changed every year, one year she was huge green M&M.  The following year she was a witch and the next year a crossing guard.  My sister and mom would always come back from the party with goodies and a smile.  As the MS started to become more aggressive, my sister stopped going to the Halloween party across the street.  The other activity on Halloween night for my sister would be to give away the candy to the trick-or-treaters. A chair would be placed by the front door at the end of the front yard entrance.  She would be wearing her coat to make sure she kept warm for the evening.   My sister would get very excited when she would spot children walking down the street coming towards our home.  She especially loved to see when the trick-or-treaters were babies or small children.   You could hear my sister say” Mom.  Look….here comes Spiderman!”   Sometime you can hear her say, “What are you suppose to be?”   For hours, my sister would sit and wait patiently for trick-or-treaters on Halloween night.  We would be keeping a watchful eye on my sister just in case she needed more candy or got tired and wanted t come in the house for the night.  My sister’s face light up as she said, ”Your welcome” while giving out the candy.

It’s been three years since my sister gave away any candy on Halloween night.  Now, I describe to my sister every trick-or-treater that comes to our door on Halloween night.  My sister would just smile, as she would hear the excitement of the night from her bedroom window.  Nightmare Before Christmas sound track would be blazing as children came to our home on Halloween night.  However, it’s not quite the same as having my sister giving the candy away.  I miss seeing her sit in the dark, on the folding chair, wrapped in her cozy coat with a dish of candy in her lap.  I miss hearing her voice calling for my mom to come and see what the children are wearing for the night.  I long to see my 34 year-old-sister dressed up to go to a Halloween party.  I don’t miss scaring trick-or-treaters anymore, but I sure miss my sister’s Halloween adventures. 

Difficult Times...

I had the worst nightmare last night that it shook me with such force of emotions that I woke up shaking and crying at the same time.

 In my dream, I was coming to the realization that my 34-year-old sister was dying.  As I stood in the middle of my bedroom, a rush came over me and I fell to my knees covered my ears, closed my eyes and kept yelling “NO! NO! NO!”   My sister couldn’t walk, talk, eat or drink even laugh and was slowly fading away. The independency that we all take for granite  been robbed from my sister.  I felt so frighten that my sister was going away. I would miss her smile, her sense of humor, the hugs she gave so freely, and most of all her strength and love.   My heart screamed inside my body and it made me so angry because I wasn’t ready to hear it or accept it.

 I started to cry out, “You’re lying! I don’t believe it!”  I got up ran down the hallway and to my sister’s bedroom.  Knowing that when I'd see my sister, everything would be all right.   She would be dressed and smiling as she sat up on the edge of her bed getting ready for the day.

However, when I opened the bedroom door her bed was empty so I ran to the living room.  My sister usually sat on a light blue lift chair and I knew she would probably be there watching television but  when I got to the chair was empty. 

I kept running and running all around the house looking for my sister, calling her name.  I yelled  so hard that I woke up from the dream. Wiping the tears from my eyes and face, I jumped out of bed and ran to my sister’s bedroom because it was such a horrible dream. I wanted to prove to myself that the dream was not real, I wanted to believe that it was just a ugly dream.   I opened the bed door to to sister's room to  find that this dream wasn't a dream but slowly becoming a reality.  My sister hasn't eaten in 14 days because her stomach can't process any food due to her fight with MS.  Her eyes are darken with a  sadness and her face and body become very thin due to the weight she has lost from not eating. Now, she can only communicate by blinking her eyes when you talk to her.  So I am awake, I'm not dreaming and the hurt  we are all experiencing is so real that it can't be put into words.  In the end, I know I need to accept  what is happening around us so one day my family and I can start to heal from this pain, the pain of losing someone you truly love.  

 Lord, PLEASE stay close to us, it's starting to get really scary. 

Heaven Isn't Too Far Away

When my 34-year-old sister entered hospice at the end of June 2010.  She was at a point that no drug in the world could cure her and our focus was now on quality of life. During the journey through hospice, we were made aware of several fears my sister had been contemplating on and were brought to our attention by the social worker.

The social worker told us that my sister was afraid of passing away and going into heaven to be ignored and be all a lone.  My sister was worried that no one would talk to her in heaven because she wouldn’t know anyone there. My sister was also worried about who would take care of my mom, dad and me if she left. 

As the social worker talk to us about this, we sat in complete shock!  How could this be?   How can anyone even think that they would be ignored in heaven?  She is worried about us? The social worker explained to us that we needed to try to get my sister to understand the concept of heaven according to our religious beliefs and try to reassure her that we would be fine after she left us. 

After the shock wore off, I started to look for books about heaven on the Internet.  I started calling Christian and Catholic bookstores to see what I could find.  I remember calling a Catholic bookstore in Monterey Park CA and spoke to a woman about our particular challenge.  She told me that she didn’t have any book but to pray to God and ask if He could give my sister a small glimpse of heaven to ease her fears.  “What a beautiful act of faith and compassion!”  I thought as I hung up the phone.

That night and every night after, during my daily time of reflection and prayer I asked God to give my sister a glimpse of heaven.

This past July we had a family gathering to celebrate the welcoming of our newest nephew/grandson and added a birthday celebration to boot!   During the celebration, my sister experienced positive energy, joy and love for all who filled our house.  Pictures were taken through out the day and it was a home filled with family and everyone knew each other. The sharing of laughter, food and family stories of the past were just a few of the highlights of that day.  

The following week I began (again) to try to figure out a way to explain to my sister about heaven. 

As I started my daily prayer, when a idea popped to my mind about heaven so powerful that I needed to share it with my sister.

So, I went to her bedroom and sat next to her hospital bed.  “Hey Kido, how’s it going?” I asked.  She replied, “Fine," as she was watching television.

“You know Mamas, the social worker talked to us about how you feel about heaven.”  My sister’s eyes slowly turned away from the television and looked at me in dismay, I smiled and said, “ Did you ever think that Heaven is like the party we had on Saturday?”  Her eyes widen like saucers and in shock she said, ”You’re kidding”?  “No Mammas, I’m not.  Everyone will now you in heaven, everyone will love you in heaven and everyone will celebrate you in heaven.  Just like everyone knew you at the party.   You will still be able to take care of us, it’ll just be from a different place and you’ll have better access to God since you will be in heaven. Do you believe me?  Please believe me Kiddo.

My sister’s eyes over flowed with tears; her lips trembled, as she was barely able to say, “Yes, I do.”

I wrapped my arms around my sister and cried.  I thanked God for the grace of being able to get through to my sister to ease her fears.

I hung pictures next to my sister’s bed of July’s celebration as a friendly reminder to her that heaven isn’t too far away, to let her know that she will always be loved, remembered and celebrated.

Bath Time

One of the many times I could remember hearing Mary Magdalene sing was in the shower and at church. I remember parishioners complementing my sister on her voice after the end of a Sunday liturgy.  They would say,
 “What a beautiful voice you have!”
 “Thank you.”  she replied as her deep pimples reflect her warm smile

When my sister would decide to take as shower she would gather all her belongs for it  and that seemed always such a choir.  She would be juggling, her clean cloths, all her country apple toiletries, a bath towel and her big grey boom box and a CD.  Once the bathroom door was shut , one would hear the shower  start running, then boom box  would be turned on and my sister’s voice were unstoppable.  She would sing to Janet Jackson, Bryan Adams, The Cars or any song that played on KEARTH 101 FM radio station.

My sister’s voice would carry so beautifully and she never missed a note or a beat of a song.  You knew when Mary Magdalene would finish her shower  because you were able to hear the squeaking of the pipes as she turned off the water but that did not deter her from singing.  The singing would continue until the bathroom door swung opened, then silence. The aroma of country apple scent that  filled the bathroom and the hallway  as she walked back to her bedroom with another bundle in her arms.       While she strolled down the small hallway, I would ask,
     "Did you enjoy your shower?”
     “Yep, I sure did!” she answered with a smile as she tilted her head up to look through her dripping wet hair  that almost entirely covering her big brown eyes.

Several things come to my mind when I reflect on this memory;  country apple was discontinued from the company of where my sister used to purchase her toiletries. My parents and I looked high and low to find the country apple scent my sister enjoyed but to no avail. She tried other but she really wasn’t too happy with them. I knew she was very disappointed because she stopped buying scented toiletries all together.

Mary Magdalene is not able to sing anymore to the radio because she lost the ability to speak due the the complications of MS.   I didn't want the pleasure of listening to music be taken away from Mary Magdalene as she bathed so I asked her if  her radio could be turned on as I gave her a bath, she smiled and blinked in agreement of hearing some tunes.  I figured this way she would  at least have something to listen to as I gave her a bath.   I have been giving my sister her bath three times a week for the last three years and I know my sister appreciates it but I realize that it’s not the same as giving one herself.  When I  gave Mary Magdalene a bath she would cry,  it made it so hard for me because hated to see my sister cry.  She was able to still speak at first and would always apologize for being such a burden.
     "I'm sorry you have to work to hard," she whispered
     "Don't apologize Mary, I know if you were able, you would do the same for me," I said
 As I wiped the tears from her face, I would jut smile and said to Mary Magdalene that bathing her was just another opportunity for me to show her how much I love her.  Three years later, after I would finish with her bed bath, I  would see a smile on her face.  The smile that would say,
     “I love you too,” 

My Cooking Buddy

I love to cook for my family; to me cooking is just another way to show my family how much I love them.  I could be cooking something for breakfast, lunch, dinner or even popcorn.  I think of the people I am preparing the food for and I put all my love and care into the meal.  I hope as I prepare the meals, my energy of love reflexes the quality of the food I prepare for them.  I am a big fan of Rachel Ray, PBS cooking shows and some of the Food Network cooking shows because it would teach me new dishes I can make for my family or improve old ones.  Since my mom, sister and dad are not too crazy about trying new foods, I try to introduce them little by little with each meal.

The biggest fan of my cooking would be my 34-year-old sister Mary Magdalene.   She always like to see what I did in the kitchen and how I would prepare the meals. My sister would just watch me cook while sitting in a chair at the dinning room table that was ad- jointed to the kitchen,. One late afternoon as I was getting ready to cook dinner, I would  be running around the kitchen mumbling to myself,
     "Okay, It's gonna be meatloaf, mashies, gravy, some veggies and biscuits."
You can hear the sounds of chopping, slicing, dicing, saluting, mixing and clanging the pots or pans I would use for dinner.   As I started feeling the beads of perspiration slowly run from my forehead into my eyes and feeling  the familiar stinging,  Mary Magdalene would just be sitting quietly and watch.

Once I actually noticed my sister was observing me and I asked her
    ” What are you dong?”  She smiled and said,
     ” Watching.” 
      "Watching who?" I asked,
      "You," she answered,
I stopped and said,
     “Aren’t you bored just looking at me cooking?  Wouldn’t you want to see something on T.V.?”
     “ No, I like to see what you are doing, I like to watch you cook,”
     “Really?” I responded
  With a smile on her face she answered,
     “Yes, really."

Mary Magdalene's  favorite dish I would make was pasta and garlic bread.   She LOVED pasta and garlic bread and I loved making it because I knew how much she enjoyed it.   
That was four years ago, when Mary Magdalene was strong enough to walk on her own, she was able to sit up on a chair with no assistance and enjoy a meal with the family when we all at together as a family.  Now, while I cook a meal for my family, the chair where my sister sat is empty.  Now, my sister couldn’t eat anything I’d make because the MS has gotten to a point where she can’t chew, swallow or process food in her stomach.   All of Mary's nutrition was being fed with a feeding tube and was no longer able to not only watch me cook but was not longer able to eat what I prepared.
I now prepare of my sister fresh watermelon juice and feed it to her with a small sponge.  She really loved the watermelon juice so much that it was hard for her to let go of the sponge when it was in her mouth.   I wondered if it was the MS that didn't allow her to release it or was it because this was the only way she would recall what it was to taste something she really enjoyed.  Regardless of the reason, I prepared the juice with as much love as cooking an entire meal. 

Even though my sister is still with us, I sure miss having her company while I cook.  I look over my shoulder while I am cooking to see if she is sitting in the chair hoping to see her but the chair is empty.

I know all the cooking shows have millions of fans because I am one of them.  However, the one fan I have will always have is my sister Mary Magdalene.   

Just Dance

My 34 year old sister loves Janet Jackson ever since she seen her in concert.  One day I was at the mall and I bought the first volume of Janet Jackson’s greatest hits.  I would listen to it and think of my sister, as I would drive around in my car. Un knows to me, I ended up really enjoying Janet Jackson’s music. One afternoon I was keeping my sister company, as she lay in her hospital bed at home in her bedroom listening to Janet Jackson's Love Will Never Do (Without You) was the next rack to play on her CD player.  I turned to my sister and said ”Girl I love this song, dance with me!”  I pumped up the volume, sat by her side as I took hold of her hand to swayed to the beat of the music.  As I sang along, closed my eyes, shaking my head, holding on to my sister’s hand; to my surprise I turned to see my sister turning her head to the beat of the music!  I was so filled with joy that my sister was actually dancing with me I shouted, “ You go girl!  Keep on dancing!”  My sister grinned with such a smile that I could feel a rush of emotions explode! As I closed my eyes, I could feel the exhilaration of love, joy and excitement that filled the room as Janet Jackson sang. My sister is dancing!  She’s dancing!  My 34-year-old sister who is in her last stages of her battle with MS was dancing!  What kind strength is my sister made of?  What courage! As we danced, I could see her as my hero, I just was following her example of love and strength.  No matter what she was experiencing in her life, she still took the time to stop and dance!

For those few minutes I felt that my sister wasn’t dying, she wasn’t suffering but was in the moment of feeling alive, feelings of joy and happiness from a simple gesture of a dance.

At the end of the song my sister was tired and wanted to rest.  I wrapped my arms around her, kissed her cheek and thanked her for dancing with me.  I asked her if she would be willing to dance with me another day, she smiled and said” Okay.”, then closed her eyes and fell asleep.  

Thank you my Love for giving me a dance to remember for the rest of my life!

Servant Song

Last night my 34-year-old sister was trying to get out of bed, she tried by slightly lifting her head off her pillow and slowly motioned her left slender pale arm off her bed.  She had such determination in her eyes that it ripped right through my heart as I sat right next to her bed. Stroking her hair I kept asking her “What’s going Kido?”  I knew that her attempts were in vain because of  her fight with MS is getting even more aggressive and is  starting to deteriorate her body.  Over and over again my sister tried and with every failed attempt, tears would roll down her cheeks as her lips trembled.  When she realized that she could not to get out of bed, her entire body started to shake as if she was having a spasm.  I jumped up and said” Calm down Kido, I’ m here with you and you aren’t alone.  Everything is going to be okay”.  I had to give my sister some medication to calm her down.  It felt like forever for the medication to kick in and I kept stroking her hair and wiping her tears away until she finally calmed down.
 She wanted so desperately to get out of bed that night.  My sister probably was willing to run so fast and not look back.  As I wiped the last tear of the night, I looked into her eyes and ask to her” You wanted to run, didn’t you?  Run and not look back. Right?”  She looks at me and whispered, “Yes.”   Then I said” But you can’t can you?”  Her lips trembled and meekly said “No.”  I said, “I know Mamas, I can’t imagine what you must be feeling right now”.  And I took her hand and kissed it, then I made a promise to her.   ” I know we weren't  close growing up and didn’t  have too much in common.  But I love you Kido!  Let me be your legs and I will run for you, let me be your arms and I will carry you, let me be your hands and I will hold you.  Is that okay?"   I know now what my purpose in my life is and it is to be here, here for you.  To be here for mom and here for dad.   God knew what was going to happen to us so He put me here just for this purpose because God knows how much I love you.”  My sister and I cried together as I held her hand.   At the end of the evening my sister and I prayed the Guardian Angel prayer, I kissed her on her forehead, secured her blankets and said "Good night Kido, see you tomorrow."

  

Human Volcano

A human volcano is such an eruption of emotions and thoughts that can be churning, stewing for days, weeks, months or even years and yet can be ignored until it actually erupts. The human volcano can involve family, friends even strangers. It can be created from past remorse, regrets, grudges or a feelings of helplessness when you are in the mist of seeing someone you love slip away.
 Once the human volcano  finally erupts, you can not avoid some kind of effect of it's power of emotions.  You feel such an over powering whelm of emotional reactions and feelings all at one time depending who is the actual volcano.  Shock, anger, weaknesses, frustration, and even some kind of denial  are spurted out  like red-hot steamy molting lava.  Then comes the raising of voices and frankness like the huge molten rocks flying right at you and  because we aren’t ready to deal with the matter at hand the defense shield starts to rise up  as the stewing of emotional lava spuds out of control. It feels like even though things can't get any worse, they do as the human volcano continues to erupt.  However, after all is said and done and the aftermath of the human volcano looses it's steam and heat, you look around to see what damage it may have caused and start the healing process. The key now is to restore peace and unity to all who was involved in the eruption.  It is through communication, love, patience, compassion by all who were in involved with the eruption. To look at ourselves and our faults so we can improve who we are and what we can be.   To take constructive criticism to  improve ourselves and see our own reflections of our life.  Sometimes, it takes a human volcano to shake us up and peel off all the armor we surround ourselves with to protect us from getting to the real issues at hand.  I am grateful for human volcanoes because at the end of it, we have an opportunity to share the love we have for one another and not take anyone or anything for granite.  We need to cherish our time together as a family and to grow with the love we can give and receive from one another.  

Penny will always be loved

On July 15, 2010 our seventeen year old beagle name Penny went down for the last count due to illness.   She wasour beloved family dog and taught me the true meaning companionship.  No matter what kind of day I was having, Penny would always greet me with a wag of her long slender tail and look up at me with her bright brown eyes.  When it came to yard work, Penny was my company while I trimmed  or pruned roses and palms leafs.  She would crawl right between my legs as I pulled weeds or rest in the shade if the sun got too hot for her liking as I worked in the yard. Penny would patiently wait for something to fall off the barbecue as I cooked some burgers, ribs, chicken or hot-dogs.  Penny loved playing with soup bones and would bury them in the yard along with  lost socks she would find next to the dryer. I knew Penny always had my back and gave such unconditional love to me and my family.

 One very early Sunday morning, I heard Penny howling  pretty aggressively outside my bedroom window.  The only time Penny would howl in this manner was because of a possum or squirrel running along the back fence.  She couldn't help her hound dog roots when it came to critters.   I got out of bed and opened my window and tried to look around to see what has happening.  Penny's howling just got louder and I felt  a sense of urgency in her tone.  "What going on Penny? Is it a possum?" I asked.    She just ran away from my window about step or two and kept howling. 

So I decide to investigate, I ran out to the backyard  in my pajamas hoping that what ever was out there, I would be able to scare away with the water hose.   Penny saw me from the sliding  door window of the deck and ran up to the deck stairs, howled and ran back to my sister. My sister had fallen face down in the back yard and no one but Penny knew what had happened.    I yelled for help as I ran out to help my sister, Penny sat right beside her and continued to howl.

 Shortly after, our dad came out to help me pick my sister off the grass.  My sister's face had a cut on the left side and was bleeding.  She was very frighten from the fall and didn't have the strength to get back up.  Penny ran circles around us as we carefully pick up my sister and placed her on a wheel chair.   As we bought my sister back into the house, Penny followed suite as a concerned family member. 

My sister started falling at home more often as the MS became more aggressive.  Every other Sunday morning, my sister get up early in the morning just to  unlock the side gate so the gardener would come to do the usual cutting of the lawn and blowing off the dust from the back patio.   My sister would place a leash on Penny because Penny had the tendency to wonder off.  However, this time my sister took a fall and couldn't place Penny on her leash.  If it wasn't for Penny coming to my sister's rescue, my sister could have been in serious trouble from the fall since she had fallen face down.  
When my dad feel off the ladder and broke both of his ankles, Penny ran up to him and try to comfort him by licking his face.  She sat right beside by dad until the paramedics  took him to the hospital.  One time, when my mom came from the hospital after an operation and needed to stay in her bedroom to recuperate.  Penny laid at the her bedroom door way and did not budge. Penny would follow my mom when she got out of bed to the restroom and wait for her to come out.  Then, follow my mom back to her bedroom and stated at the door way.   If my mom had trouble getting off of a chair, Penny would start to howl for help.  My mom said" It's okay Penny, thank you".  I would come to see why Penny was howling and found my mom stuck in her chair trying to stand up.

There are many warm heartfelt memories we have of our Penny.   My heart still aches for her and we sure miss having her around.  We know she is in a special place that God as made just for her because God know how much she meant to us.  We miss you Penny (my Pooh)!

Lost Treasure

Isn't it odd how something can be at one time so trivial and yet later on in life can have such a significant meaning.  The other day, I was recently rummaging through my closet shelf on a step ladder looking for a particular book.   As I was looking for this book and moving things around, I accidently knocked over my small  red sequenced  doubled heart shape box and everything spilled out with a crash on my mahogany  floor. 
 "Oh great!" I thought and I  stepped down to look around and see what I had in it.
I picked up the box off the hard mahogany wood floor hoping what ever fell out didn't break; yet to find that there were three bracelets that my sister had made me years ago.  My sister who suffers from MS used make plastic bracelets and sell them at a craft fair in Arcadia.  I slowly kneeled down and carefully picked them up. Clutching the bracelets in my hands, I closed my eyes for a moment.   In my mind I could see and hear my mom and sister stringing beads, making up designs and talking about pricing bracelets for the next craft fair. I could see my sister looking at a craft store advertisement to see if any beads where going to be on sale. When I opened my eyes, I was standing alone in my room, I still had the bracelets in  clutched tightly in my hands and then placed them to my heart.  I didn't realized how much I missed seeing my mom and sister working together and creating these bracelets.   My lost treasures were found! I thought I lost them when we moved to our new home several years ago. I didn't realize how much I missed them until now. At one time in my life when it came to bracelets, I just  wore crystal because I liked seeing the prisms reflex in the sunlight. Those same crystal bracelets now hang in the middle of my bedroom window so as the sun sets my bedroom is filled with prisms.
 When my sister gave me the bracelets, I was happy that she thought of me but didn't really give the bracelets any mind.  I took for granite that my sister and mom would always be around to make them.  
However now, I would give anything to see them in the dining room making bracelets again.  To hear and see them laughing, talking and even arguing as they were preparing for the next craft fair.     How can a simple beaded bracelets bring back such a rush of emotions and memories?  I guess it's not the actual bracelet but the love you feel for the people who make them.