Step by Step, Inch by Inch....

I was listening to a CD the other day that was given to us by a bereavement social worker from the hospice facility that took care of my sister Mary Magdalene and our family.  It talks about the different ways people deal with losing someone you love.  I couldn’t help but take notice to the track that talks about keeping yourself busy.  I remember all during the hospice experience we had a woman who came every week to pray with us, she was the spiritual support of the hospice program.  Dana was her name and I will always remember how she would compare my sister and I to the Martha and Mary verses of the bible.  “Your mom should have named you Martha, Emilia; because Martha was the busy one and you are certainly very busy every time I come to visit,” said Dana.   I would just laugh and say, “No Dana, my name is Emilia and I can’t help but be busy.”

As I listen to the CD this memory of Dana's comment comes to mind.  Now, I can completely relate to this track of busyness and Dana's comment. Before my sister passed away, I was very busy taking care of my sister and assisting my dad looking after my mom, the only time I had to rest was when I actually slept at night.  However, I have been finding myself trying to stay busy since my sister Mary Magdalene passed away.  It’s very hard not to because the more busier I am, the more I don’t have to think about the pain and grief that is in my heart. I just do the task at hand and I don’t really have to think about anything else.
 For example, I usually don’t decorate for the Christmas Holiday until the week before Christmas.  Since we are Catholic, the season of Advent just started so for the next four weeks we are preparing for the coming of Jesus.  For Catholics, Christmas season starts on Christmas day and ends on the day of the baptism of Jesus.  

However, this year has be very different since my sister Mary Magdalene will not be with us physically, just in our mind, hearts and spirit.  This past weekend, I removed the autumn decorations and replaced them with Christmas decorations inside and outside of my parent’s home.   Going back about a year ago, Mary received an Italian fern as a Christmas present from my dad’s cousins.  She was so happy to receive it as the tiny tree that sat in a small pot wrapped in red foil, and a mini present wrapped with a red ribbon was tied on one of the branches of the tree as it sat on her dresser for two weeks. After New Year's Day we transferred it into a big pot in the back yard.  I put Mary into her wheelchair and rolled her outside onto the deck of my parent’s home so she can see what happened to her tree.  “Wait and see Mamas, once your tree grows stronger, we will plant in the yard and we will always have a Christmas tree every year.  It’ll be Mary’s tree!” I said.

 “Wow Emils, that’s so cool!” smiled Mary as she looked at the direction of where her little tree was potted in the back yard.  This past summer a couple of my brothers planted Mary’s tree in the middle of the front yard.  By this time the MS had total control of Mary and she didn’t have the strength or the sight to see where her tree was planted so I described it to her as she laid in her bed.  “Hey Mamas, your tree is in the front yard, it strong enough to be on it’s own.  Our brothers put it right in the middle of the front yard so this coming Christmas we will be able to decorate it, it's going to look so pretty!” Mary smiled and blinked her eyes so I knew she understood what I had said and was just as excited.  We were in looking forward to the coming of the Christmas season.   I was so looking forward in rolling my sister out in her wheelchair to my parent's front yard to show her how much her tree as grown. Then, a ask her how she would like her tree to be decorated for Christmas.  Little did either of us know at  that my sister was not going to be here with us this Christmas season.
 So here is a note to my sister Mary Magdalene concerning her tree:
Hey Mamas, do you like your tree?  Isn’t it beautiful? It grew big enough so I was able to decorate this year.  Can you see it?   I know you can see it from heaven, I just want you to know that I will be decorating it every year.  Once I finish decorating it,  I'll look up to heaven and ask you what do ya think, okay Mamas?  I love you and miss you but I  now need to figure out how to start slowing down.   So please, can you help me Mamas?    With your intervention and God's grace, I know one day to take it a little slower every day.  

Love…..Emils