Forgiveness

When we first moved into the home, my sister knew exactly what bedroom she wanted, “I like the one with the walk-in closet, it’s just like the one I have right now,” she said as we had our first walk through of my parent’s new home. 

My sister had the biggest closet and was very pleased with it.  It made her feel more at home due to the fact that she already had the biggest closet at my parent’s old home.

Be known to us at the time that this walk-in closet would slowly turn into her medical supply room.

There were cases of adult diapers, bed liners, cans of formula, and sponges for her G-Tube.  Among others supplies of medications and vinyl gloves, oxygen tanks, wheel chair, oxygen machine and many other medical supplies to meet my sister’s growing needs

As my sister’s medical needs grew, the supplies were placed in her walk-in closet.  Once a very spacious closet became a very crowded and with time it began to shrink to a very small closet.

I remember the day when I had to move Mary’s burgundy red walker out of her closet.  The little burgundy walker had given my sister the independence of being able to walk on her own.  She loved that walker because it became very important piece of her life. However unfortunately due to time, my sister had already become bed ridden due to the progression of MS and the hospital supplies were coming in monthly.  I felt like I was trying to solve a Rubic’s Cube because the more I moved things around as I tried to keep my sister’s closet looking as a closet for clothing, the more it didn’t.  It kept looking more and more as a medical supply store. 

Till one day I looked at my sister’s red-burgundy walker that sat way in the back of the closet folded up in the corner of her closet.  As I crammed my way into my sister’s closet trying to figure out how I could make more room, I thought,” Well, we won’t be needing this for a while so I just place it in the garage,” so I picked it up and brought it to the opening doorway of my sister’s closet.

I peeked my head out and seen that my sister was fast asleep so I thought it was safe to walk quietly out of her room with her walker.  As I was carrying the folded walker in my hands, tipping toe out of my sister’s room I reached the bedroom doorknob.  I slowly started to turn the knob as quietly as I could and turned to see if my sister was still sleeping. 

Well to my surprise, she wasn’t.  “What are you doing?  Where are you taking my walker?!” demanded my sister.

“Aye, Mamas, you need more room in your closet for all your new stuff.  I’m just going to move your walker out into the garage just for a little while, when you get better, I will bring it back, okay?”  I said, hoping she would believe me that one day she would be better.  I didn’t want my sister to see her walker get moved out of her closet and out of her bedroom because I knew how much it would hurt her to see it done. 

As my sister lay in her bed, her eyes over flowed with tears and her lips just trembled.  I put the walker down and ran to her, cradling her in my arms I said,  “Mamas, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.  I didn’t want to hurt you so I thought I would do this when you were asleep.”

“It’s, okay….I know….I know it’s not your fault.  It… just hurts.... it hurts so much to see it leave,” wept my sister.

If there were a way to erase my sister’s pain, I would have done it that instant.   I held my sister until she cried herself to sleep.  Praying all the while that I could have the strength to place her walker in the garage.  I felt horrible; I felt that I just added insult to my sister’s injury.  At that time I knew my sister forgave me for taking her walker to the garage but it took years for me to forgive myself.