Everyday is filled with different challenges that come in caring for my sister Mary Magdalene and meeting all of them can seem very overwhelming at times. There's cleaning my parent's home, cooking breakfast,lunch and dinner along with the daily care of my sister who is in hospice. Dealing with the changes of my mom's physical, mental and emotional state while the Parkinson takes control of her entire life as each day passes was another challenge in my life that I wasn't sure if I would be able to take on after seeing what Mary Magdalene was going through.
My sister was not a person who complained or was very demanding. However, if you looked into her enormous brown eyes, they would reflect an passion of pure strength, love and at time fear.
Every once and a while as I would walk into her room to check on her I would find her crying.
I never heard a sound but the trembling lower lip and streams of tears spoke volumes. As I walked up to her hospital bed and gently hold her hand and asking her if she is in pain. The challenge was that Mary Magdalene wasn't able to put into words what she is feeling or thinking about because the MS had been pretty aggressive so she was not able to speak.
"Blink Mary if you are in pain, blink for me Mamas. One blink for yes or two for no" I asked
Mary's tears flowed down even more and after a few seconds Mary gave one blink of her big brown eyes. However, it felt like forever to get an eye blink but I just needed to be clam about it.
Carefully, I would lean my forehead against hers as I would gently hold her hand until the tears stop rolling down her face. I couldn't give her a physical hug anymore because it caused her too much pain to a forehead hug had to do.
This is one of the most helpless feelings in the world, not being able to be sure if I am are doing the right thing in comforting my sister as she slowly deteriorates. Her bones are starting to appear underneath her flesh because her system can only process very little of formula through a g-tube. I struggle with the feelings of helplessness, venerability of seeing inevitable and not being able to stop it. Fear of feeling inadequate in caring for my sister is just at time too much to bare. All I keep saying to myself,
"I wish I could do more for you Mary but I don't know what it is?"
My sister was not a person who complained or was very demanding. However, if you looked into her enormous brown eyes, they would reflect an passion of pure strength, love and at time fear.
Every once and a while as I would walk into her room to check on her I would find her crying.
I never heard a sound but the trembling lower lip and streams of tears spoke volumes. As I walked up to her hospital bed and gently hold her hand and asking her if she is in pain. The challenge was that Mary Magdalene wasn't able to put into words what she is feeling or thinking about because the MS had been pretty aggressive so she was not able to speak.
"Blink Mary if you are in pain, blink for me Mamas. One blink for yes or two for no" I asked
Mary's tears flowed down even more and after a few seconds Mary gave one blink of her big brown eyes. However, it felt like forever to get an eye blink but I just needed to be clam about it.
Carefully, I would lean my forehead against hers as I would gently hold her hand until the tears stop rolling down her face. I couldn't give her a physical hug anymore because it caused her too much pain to a forehead hug had to do.
This is one of the most helpless feelings in the world, not being able to be sure if I am are doing the right thing in comforting my sister as she slowly deteriorates. Her bones are starting to appear underneath her flesh because her system can only process very little of formula through a g-tube. I struggle with the feelings of helplessness, venerability of seeing inevitable and not being able to stop it. Fear of feeling inadequate in caring for my sister is just at time too much to bare. All I keep saying to myself,
"I wish I could do more for you Mary but I don't know what it is?"
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