Miss you much!

Today was my 34-year-old sister's birthday; she would have been thirty-five years old.  She was born on the feast of All Souls Day; little did any of us know that her passing would only be five days before her birthday.  My parents and family went to the liturgy of All Souls Day at our Catholic Church in Monterey Park.  My 34-year-old sister's name was on one of the banners that hung in front of the alter of the church.  The names were of the parishioners who have passed away this year.  As I stared at her name on the banner, I kept looking but it didn't seem real.  People of our parish walked up to my family to give their condolences of the passing of my sister.  I hugged and yet it still didn't feel real, it felt like I was in a dream, a very slow moving dream.  As the liturgy was being celebrated, after the gospel was read and the priest gave his homily, it was time for the litany of the deceased.  As every five names were being read off there was a pause, then the congregation would sing “Holy men and women, pray for us!”

At first, I was singing and reflecting on each of the names that were being read off the banners.  However, the emotions started  to crack inside of me like a dam with a small leak.  As the names got closer to my sister’s name, the cracks of emotions got bigger and the emotional dam weakened.  The tears started to fill my eyes and my lips began to tremble and my voice started to crack.  Now, since my sister passed away on Oct 29^th, everyday seems like a bad dream and I wanted to pinch myself to wake up.  Standing in the church on that day made this dream a very hard reality.  As I heard my sister’s name read over the PA system, my tears exploded like a dam bursting from too many cracks, which gave way to over flowing water.  I guess I need to be more patient with myself and just take time to greave.  Just when I think I am all out of tears and have my emotions in control and lower my defenses, I have a break down.  The only person I am fooling is myself if I think I can keep it all together.  Right now, the grief is like a very bad cold, every time I think I am getting better I have a relapse.  

I miss my 34-year-old sister so much, when I would have a tuff day, she would be the one who would offer me a hug.  When she couldn’t hug anymore due to the progression of MS, I would lay my head on her chest and she would kiss my forehead three times and then say, “It’ll be alright Emils, don’t cry,” as I would soak her pajamas with my tears.

Now, when I having bad day I have no one to cry to, no shoulder to cry and lean on and it kills me.    Even though I was caregiver for my sister, I know my sister returned the favor and cared for me.  With her love, strength, compassion, patience and kindness that only a sister can give she was a great teacher of human care and warmth.  I love you Kiddo!